Discolor Online

Weblog of the sweetest person you never want to piss off.


The God of Biscuits Hates Me

Dennis, why do you forsake me? All I want is a warm, fluffy biscuit, tender inside with a golden brown crust, dripping with buttery goodness. Is that so much to ask?

My baking failures include bread, biscuits, dumplings, even cornbread from a mix (where all you add is eggs and milk). I suck at making breads. I've tried making bread by hand, in a bread machine, from a mix. I can make a loaf from frozen dough; everything else refuses to rise, comes out doughy and uncooked, or strangely misshapen. Like my anti-technology aura, my anti-baking aura is not easily explained, but has been witnessed by others (so it's not just all in my head).

Today I really wanted some buttermilk biscuits for breakfast. I followed Christopher Kimball's Yellow Farmhouse Cookbook recipe: I measured accurately, I pulsed the cold butter exactly 7 times for exactly 1 second each time, I used cold vegetable shortening, I used actual buttermilk... I stirred only enough to bring the ingredients together, and "gently rolled" the dough, cut each biscuit (without twisting). I ended up with 1/2-inch thick crackers.

Folks, if you're ever eating at my place and biscuits are on the menu, ask if they're from Pillsbury.


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Anonymous Dr John K Says:

I don't do much baking myself, but I know that yeast can be a bit tricky to manage properly. Nevertheless, a quick search suggests that biscuits use baking powder and salt for their rising action, which should be friendlier.

(Now, the Mrs tells me that pastry crusts are another beast altogether, and much more sensitive to the preparation method. I leave that to her.)

Anyway, short of putting on my mad scientist hat and recommending a root cause investigation, all I can otherwise offer are barely-educated guesses as to your baking issues.

Lyckas till!

Blogger Rob L. Says:

Biscuits for the Biscuit God!

Blogger God of Biscuits Says:

yes! Biscuits for me! ;)


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